I should be sponsored by Trojan
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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