He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
