I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
