2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Never joke about your clitoris.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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