funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
