I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
