she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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