If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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