im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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