porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
