If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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