New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
