it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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