rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
