Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
