There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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