I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
