Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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