i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
