We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
