does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
