Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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