Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
