So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he was CRYING into my vagina
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
