hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
