First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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