My friends, they love my intelligence
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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