The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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