dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
