So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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