can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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