guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
