someone threw a dead crab at me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
