There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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