Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
