My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
