I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
