i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
