I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
