Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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