He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
