I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
