I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
