Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
