You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
