I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
