Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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