More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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