I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
