I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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