Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
