I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You smell like a Billy Joel song
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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