It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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