last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
