we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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